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the grill master

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i'm glad we share genes, mom

$5.00

you're not a regular dad, you're a dog dad

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dog mom day

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professional fanny pack operator

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you're not a regular mom, you're a dog mom

$5.00

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thanks for always hanging up my art

$5.00

world's fastest reflex

$5.00

new roommate: no rent. no privacy.

$5.00

motherhood: joy, laughter, bodily fluids

$5.00

you're expecting! what to expect: a tiny human watching you pee

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wait, you're pregnant? someone's getting action around here

$5.00

you had sex everyone knows now

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am i gregnant

$5.00

eviction notice: tenant must vacate the premises

$5.00

in honor of your creation of an entire human being

you help me come out of my shell

when the universe acts petty

when you open this card imagine my arms wrapping you in a hug

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don’t feel bad. remember, even jesus farted.

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dam it

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recovering from existing

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resilient

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in honor of what i wish i could say and words never being enough, i humbly offer you this folded piece of paper

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keepin that snoot clean

congrats on another year of unparalleled personal growth

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in honor of your leap into the unknown, i humbly offer you this folded piece of paper

$5.00

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civilian - 'I pay your salary!' how much they pay - a nickel

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you're leaving? jealous...

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congrats on surviving corporate hell

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in honor of your years of service, i humbly offer you this folded piece of paper

$5.00

new hat who dis?

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in honor of your years of hard work, i humbly offer you this folded piece of paper

$5.00

in honor of your new square footage, i humbly offer you this folded piece of paper

wearing different hats

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less hot than it looks *requires paper work*

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this used to get you detention, now it gets you paid

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cooler by one degree

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you're into feet *professionally*

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doctor on the outside - human on the inside

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get peed on save lives

you will eventually get a job

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*cries in student loans*

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congratulations on your mortgage

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guess the new house means your responsible

registered nurse right now

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in honor of the yearly commemoration of pretending this year will be different

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last year's resolutions

i heard a ball is dropping at midnight

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the *real* four questions

in honor of the yearly commemoration of miracles, oil, and excessive snacking

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this *bar* serves grape juice sir

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skull claus

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the holidays fill me with cheese

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holiday spirit activate

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tis the season for dysfunctional families

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this little tree of mine

this winter never ends...

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someone is watching you

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forgive me father for i am festive

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you better watch out

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don't have a great depression in *your* 30s

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this is a funny card cue laugh track

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you - *gets one year older* insurance companies - *lip bite*

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aging shield

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you're still the life of the party

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old AF

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so, what was antiquity like?

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hot singles in your area?

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you're not getting old, only more mature!

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*existential dread*

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here's to another year of barely holding it together

not old, just well-seasoned

another year closer to oblivion

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back in my day we just went extinct

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another year older womp womp

mobile phones in your day

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evolution looks good on you

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aging like a fine cheese

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you don't get *carded* anymore

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four score and seven years ago you were brought forth

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born in the 1900s

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funny 36th birthday greeting

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this is a (fill in the blank) card

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may all of your meetings get canceled

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yearly celebration of our love

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love to stuff your cheeks

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you're a snack

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make my heart explode

$5.00

feeling humpy

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i'll show you my hedge

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the other kind of pie day

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cheeky rooster

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to my significant otter

i love a good source of vitamin d

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everything reminds me of you

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marie antoinette said 'let them eat cake'

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i choose you

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i'd still love you if you were a worm

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tell me i'm pretty and feed me tacos

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i'll give you head - guillotine

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i'm a bottom feeder

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let's make a fruit salad

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i went from crushing on you... to crushing your face

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would'st thou shaketh my spear

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rose and jack got wet before titanic hit the iceberg

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you touch my sol

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if i were rose, i'd bring up owning a priceless necklace

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i love being filled with your pea-ness

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ready to be sucked

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you have the cutest ass

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i'm *this* horny

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if you were an alien, I'd love if you probed me

i picked you this flour

more pleasure than a cotton swab

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you make me squeal with joy

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...pervert

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i love getting slimy with you

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fillable holes for your drizzle

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seagull love

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if my calculations are correct

geese go south once a year

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like a moth to a flame

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sharing nuts

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you're one hot potato

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i'll keep circling back to that booty

post-holiday finances

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stalker santa

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edible christmas people

buckle up for thanksgiving

we're going hayriding

this rocks - pilgrims

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grateful for turkey breasts

annual ritual of overeating

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thanksgiving's here i cooked

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cold turkey anonymous

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hope your turkey is moist

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